Now, the key here is to say this with not a trace of sarcasm-try to sympathize by remembering that your sister truly feels this way. I feel so bad for you that you have to spend the rest of your life in a miserable job.” It’s terrible that there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make things better at work. I can’t believe that HR doesn’t have a file of complaints. If the situation were reversed, I know you’d be setting them up on dozens of dates with eligible men you know.” Or: “Your boss should be fired. They have absolutely no regard for how lonely you are. I’m so sorry you have such inconsiderate friends.” Or: “It’s unconscionable that your friends won’t set you up on dates. And they sound like absolute narcissists, talking about themselves instead of asking after you. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have such utterly selfish children.” Or: “Your friends are horrible for not wanting to see you more often. Instead of just saying, “Oh, that’s too bad that your children don’t call enough,” your job is to over-validate her position.įor instance, you can say: “Your children are so ungrateful.
(That’s why if you suggest therapy, which can be very effective for help-rejecting complainers, she’ll reject that suggestion, too.) What your sister wants most is to feel heard, so when she complains about her children or friends or boss, the best thing you can do is validate what she’s saying, but in a particular way. Help-rejecting complainers don’t see themselves as negative people they see everything out there as negative, and they’re simply reacting to it. First, pointing out that her negativity might be pushing people away won’t help. To break this cycle, there are a few things you can do. But for the complainer, this is actually a reward: She’s just gotten something else to complain about. They push people away, then they don’t feel heard, so they complain even more, which pushes people farther away. They want to connect with others, but if they are also help-rejecting complainers, that can create a vicious cycle. People who are depressed also tend to feel lonely, unheard, or unseen, particularly in their pain. Why do some people do this? Many people who relate in this way suffer from an underlying depression, and depression distorts their thinking and makes them feel helpless. And since they aren’t interested in solutions or talking about something else, help-rejecting complainers tend to sap the energy of people who care about them. They don’t want help they want your sympathy, and validation for their perception that they’re being treated unfairly and that there’s nothing they can do to improve their situation. They find comfort in going on ad nauseam about their plight, while giving excuse after excuse about why any suggested course of action won’t make matters any better. But it sounds like your sister has become what therapists call a “help-rejecting complainer.” For help-rejecting complainers, complaining is a way of being. Of course, we all go through tough periods in our lives, and many people find it helpful to talk with friends or family about their struggles. Is there any way I can help her and also maintain a good relationship with her? I can see that she does not have a lot of self-confidence, and blaming her situation in life on others is easier than doing something about it.
She and her relationship moods torrent#
This was met with a torrent of tears and protestations.
Recently, I lost my temper after a three-hour car ride of complaints and told her I thought she should do something to help herself and stop blaming everyone else. However, this does not result in a great relationship, because I dread spending time with her.
Needless to say, suggestions from me about changes she can make fall on deaf ears, and I’ve learned pretty much to keep my mouth shut and listen. When we get together, her “conversation” with me is a litany of complaints about her life, and I’m concerned that this is the case with others, as well. My adult sister is a thoroughly unhappy person, but according to her, it is because no one in her life treats her well: Her children don’t call and visit enough her friends don’t want to spend enough time with her and talk too much about themselves when they visit she is a widow and is lonely, but none of her friends will fix her up with a man her boss treats her poorly, etc. Have a question? Email her at want to miss a single column? Sign up to get "Dear Therapist" in your inbox. Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader's question about a problem, big or small.
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